I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
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Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good