“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
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keep reaching for the stars, kid:
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
*exercises sarcastically*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.