I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
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using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Morning.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
The happy life.. 😊
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.