Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
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Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
“A little help here, Danny?”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I feel this so hard
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.