I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
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I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do