I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
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I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.