Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
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Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.