Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
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Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.