Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
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Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
The real reason evolution started..😂
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.