Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
You Might Also Like
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Discuss
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
My purse is deeper than some people.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.