WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
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We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.