I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
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Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
😏😏😏
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
“A little help here, Danny?”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.