My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
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The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault