crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
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This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.