Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
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‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
How is it still this week?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.