Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
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“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Breaking news:
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”