Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
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There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.