If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
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Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies