Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
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That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.