My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
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When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Xylophonist Shredding It
Who’s your best friend?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean