if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
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Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Pringles
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want