Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
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I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.