My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
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Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.