interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
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Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket