Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
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A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition