The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
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You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume