[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
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How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
when you are just born a rebel
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading