My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
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*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I love the honesty
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.