When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies