Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
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I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.