I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
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The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.