For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
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[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Jogging
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Just me?
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Inside you there are two wolves
Sharon, call the vet