Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
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If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.