I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
#MeanwhileinCanada
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
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