A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
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Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Hot hot hot 🥵
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.