If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
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Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –