It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
You Might Also Like
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”