Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
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I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato