Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
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If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Some people were born into their job.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“you recording!?”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.