Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
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Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake