Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
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Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Stonehinge
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.