Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
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“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.