The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
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[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!