the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
You Might Also Like
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.