I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
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My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Interior design 👌
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.