“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
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WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”