if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
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I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
opening twitter today
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Tier 3 meme
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby