My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
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[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes