PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
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Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials