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You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
barbara was highly relatable
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.